When I journal, I’m simultaneously drawing awareness to my mental state and avoiding action, though I suppose sometimes you need to breathe before you can continue moving. As long as you don’t spend all your time breathing…but I guess it depends on the goal :)

Rereading old journals. It’s a progression of identifying and defining my values, plus trying to encapsulate what could work to make me happy in case I ever fall lower than expected. A bit of focus on documenting legacy, a bit of trying to write my own self-help guide or user manual (a tall order).

There were a lot of bumper sticker beliefs; just attempts to possess some ephemerality in 3 words to hope I remember it and act on it. It’s hard to remember those things, much more so to believe them enough that they become your default programming.

I feel I’m less aware now than I used to be; there seems to be more living than analyzing. Maybe I’m a bit more numb in some ways, or just plain tired. Is this wisdom or just a surrender to my own ignorance? Acceptance or apathy? Probably both.

Organized religion seems very pragmatic. It’s very useful to be able to point to a brand name, say “I’m with Him”, and that’s the extent your effort in the pursuit. There’s apologist rhetoric you could dive into, or you can just root for the home team and call it a day. Either way, looking at the old journals, trying to back into a belief system from the lens of a lonely, early 20’s male addicted to technology was difficult.

A lot of focus was put on being the best version of myself, maximizing potential, treating myself like a robot that wasn’t performing properly. Always failing to meet expectations, comparing to humanity’s hall-of-fame and wondering why I fell short. “Fragile mastery”.

I feel my answer to this was:

1. Pile on responsibilities that force me to rise to those occasions.
2. Leave some things behind (at least temporarily)
3. Prioritize accordingly