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Pragmatic Masochist

I use pain and fear to fuel my ambition and as a crutch to avoid my own negative mental state, which further perpetuates that negative state. Pragmatic masochism. Very much have a chip or two on my shoulder, along with a sizable ego. Occasionally I am recognizing that approach to life as unsustainable and unfulfilling.

Cue montage where I think if I just changed everything about myself, maybe I’d be happier more often. Hard focus on some fulfilling ideals like learning X or Y, perform some physical feat, set a goal, do a thing for a little bit, maybe reach the goal maybe don’t…but either way, a lot of the time, I end up back at a state of uncertainty, that then breeds contempt for my own being, then set a destination where it may feel better, beeline towards it…

I think it feels very vulnerable to not have an embedded sense of purpose. In that absence, I obsess over goals, habits or ideal states of being and hope for the best. I’d rather be “high than free”.

It’d be more straightforward if that wasn’t ever productive. If I zoom out from the roller coaster of my immediate emotional unawareness, I have an incredible life. Im happily married, I have a house, a job that pays well, I’m in fine health. The list of things going for me feels too long to ever be upset. It also feels I’m flying too close too the sun at times. I don’t want to lose the life I have, and that fear can get in the way of fully living it.

Radical acceptance. Showing unconditional love. Tough ideas that run counter to my programming when the going gets tough. I don’t have a strong sense of faith in the traditional style. It’d probably be beneficial to more actively seek that out. Even basic religious or spiritual principles are rooted in thankfulness and gratitude to get you through the tough times. Feels like I should have a handle on that by now.

That’s a tricky one too though, especially with my relationship to dependency on…anything. On one hand, I learned early on that independence was a valuable survival mechanism. I particularly have aversions to dependency when i think it will lead to getting hurt by someone else’s negligence and my own inability to change anything once it’s too late. However to deny that I am an incredibly dependent person would be a lie. I’ve constructed my life based on being responsible for things outside of myself. I don’t know another way to live.

Thinking that I can and should be a fully self sufficient self actualized robot in a vacuum is plain dumb. Resource optimization would point to it being very healthy to delegate certain things to other places and not be so hellbent on perpetual perfection.

Also don’t expect it from other people. I tend to get anxious when I’m not meeting my own standards, insecure about what other people may think, eventually finish a task, then project that same expectation on to others. It’s a lack of grace stemming from my own bullshit and putting a lot of pressure on myself and other people. Something something “hurt people hurt people”.

But why overcomplicate it? Could just treat it all with kindness. Feel good? Great. Feel bad? That’s fine too. Is it apathetic to accept yourself? Maybe only if you view yourself as something to be fixed or solved. Lack of confidence? Could be, but there’s a lot of arrogance baked in here. Just trying to aim for something because “becoming” feels “productive” and if I’m not that, what am I? Is it greedy to want more when I’m wired to aim and pursue? When would it be enough? Looking for constants in variable questions.

But why over complicate it? Could you accept that you have flaws but you’re not broken? Could you accept being and becoming?

In this behavioral cycle, there’s a consistency to the element of the chase. The pursuit of more. Greener pastures. If nothings permanent, the ability to survive is most important. So in a way, self fulfilling prophecy to not solve the problem. Why would I? If there’s nothing to chase, what’s the point?

Meh. I don’t have the answers, and that’s alright :^)

Ivory tower made of sand castles shifting with the wind Under wings and then they burn when they’re closest to the sun

Fall from grace until they land In a place where all have sinned You may look and never learn Hear a truth and then feel none

While I tarnish and decay I’m not waiting for the day Where they rob you of your joy Mind the dust my golden boy