My disappointment is relative to the management of my expectations.

Let’s say I want to read all of our books. If I try to read one and I’m not doing that, I’m 0/50. If I take it one step at a time, I’m 0/1. Less to go, not as disappointing or daunting of a task. You can read one book.

None of my goals are really time bound other than just “before I die” or generally “while I still can”. Just depends how fast I want them to happen. But also, I know that achieving goals doesn’t keep all the bad feelings away. If you’re on the path, you’re not playing the game. Analyzing and trying to contextualize every last detail is not playing the game. It’s trying very hard to convince myself it’s okay to play.

What goals do I think there’s a life-time limit around? Maybe physical ones just because the reality of aging. I think the body does a decent job at telling you what it needs. If I’m restless, get up and move. If I’m hungry, eat. Maybe don’t eat garbage, you’ll feel it later. The creative goals really don’t have a time limit. My passion for playing music is something I hope stays with me forever, so I don’t need to accomplish something and then throw it away for good.

The moment you can’t take the step from “this is what I want to do, this is a reasonable approach for doing it” to “doing it”, you’re planning as a means of procrastinating. You’re obsessing over optimization, when in reality, the little details in the how can be honed in the moment.

If the administrative side/trying to plan it all out/have it make perfect sense in your head is taking precedent over just doing it, you’re approaching it wrong. It’s probably not as serious as you’re making it. It isn’t as precious as you think it is. Doesn’t mean it’s not important, more that the consequence of not giving it 1000% before you try is a risk you can take. Dive in. See what works. The fastest way to learn is by making mistakes.

What am I trying to optimize for fundamentally? Time. Time management. I want to justify my potential actions; take them to court for an approval process before I do anything. It has to fit within the framework of bumper sticker beliefs, some general internal knowing, or an attempt at a hyper-optimized routine before I take real action. What am I trying to justify? Time spend. I want to be intentional and as a result lead a meaningful life. I don’t like waste. I want to make the most of what little time we have, with the fear that one fell swoop can take it all away.

I think the oversight in that train of thought is maybe two things.

1. just because mistakes are unintentional doesn’t make them not meaningful.
2. Mistakes can be intentional too. Or at least allowing yourself to make them can be an intentional act.

And for the broader notion:

1. Life will happen no matter how much you prepare. Live once, die once.

I think if you acted more immediately, you’d find there’s more being done and the narrative that you have no time gets softer.

I also think I need to be honest with my expectations. If I want to run an iron man (I don’t), I need to train for that and not just wake up one day and go “oh shit that’s never going to happen now”. But…how productive is the day dreaming for the “better” life if I just do X? How useful is thinking 15 steps ahead when you’re still on step 0?

And what’s the real goal here? Is it to climb a mental mountain and conquer myself? Be anything more than what I am right now? Honor and maximize my potential? I hate these hollow sentiments. No.

Really, I just want to live a good life: a life that benefits myself and others, a life that I have the freedom to do what I set my mind to. I want to minimize bad things where I can. I want control to not simply be a spectator of my own fate. I’m afraid if I don’t have it, bad things will happen.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”

It’s fine to want to do things. If you spend all your time wanting and no time doing, you’re going to be miserable. If you spend all your time being, you’re going to be restless. If you spend all your time thinking about what you don’t have, you’re living in Hell looking for Heaven.

There are bigger goals on my mind that make me anxious to even write down, because as soon as I do, it’s a yardstick for me to beat myself up with. (PS I already wrote these down last time, but in a slightly different mindset. This feels more honest).

Gaining some weight would be good. I think being able to call myself a musician would be great; making it a bigger part of my identity and pursuing that path more rigorously. Reading more as well. So don’t overcomplicate it.

If I’m ever longing to be more: Eat food, read a book, learn and play music.

Be hungry. Be a reader. Be a musician.

I’d also like to not solely focus on what I don’t have. I want to appreciate the moment more. One moment at a time. My life is very full.

Relatively speaking, I’ve hit the lottery and my internal struggle is in not wanting to waste that, or lose it, so if I’m not always “maximizing my potential” I can get anxious and depressed. I want to appreciate where I’m at and also do things I want to do. I can go too far in attempting to optimize my time in fear of waste, and end up being too rigid in following a routine or too flexible in not doing anything.

I’m tired of this narrative. I’m tired of spending so much time trying to brand my anxiety in an attempt to conquer it. It’s one thing to understand it, it’s another to obsess over it. I’m so scared of wasting time that in attempt to fully understand it, I’m not making the most of it. Time to move forward.