December 31, 2024
When I journal, I’m simultaneously drawing awareness to my mental state and avoiding action, though I suppose sometimes you need to breathe before you can continue moving. As long as you don’t spend all your time breathing…but I guess it depends on the goal :)
Rereading old journals. It’s a progression of identifying and defining my values, plus trying to encapsulate what could work to make me happy in case I ever fall lower than expected. A bit of focus on documenting legacy, a bit of trying to write my own self-help guide or user manual (a tall order).
There were a lot of bumper sticker beliefs; just attempts to possess some ephemerality in 3 words to hope I remember it and act on it. It’s hard to remember those things, much more so to believe them enough that they become your default programming.
I feel I’m less aware now than I used to be; there seems to be more living than analyzing. Maybe I’m a bit more numb in some ways, or just plain tired. Is this wisdom or just a surrender to my own ignorance? Acceptance or apathy? Probably both.
Organized religion seems very pragmatic. It’s very useful to be able to point to a brand name, say “I’m with Him”, and that’s the extent your effort in the pursuit. There’s apologist rhetoric you could dive into, or you can just root for the home team and call it a day. Either way, looking at the old journals, trying to back into a belief system from the lens of a lonely, early 20’s male addicted to technology was difficult.
A lot of focus was put on being the best version of myself, maximizing potential, treating myself like a robot that wasn’t performing properly. Always failing to meet expectations, comparing to humanity’s hall-of-fame and wondering why I fell short. “Fragile mastery”.
I feel my answer to this was:
- Pile on responsibilities that force me to rise to those occasions.
- Leave some things behind (at least temporarily)
- Prioritize accordingly
December 1, 2024
My disappointment is relative to the management of my expectations.
Let’s say I want to read all of our books. If I try to read one and I’m not doing that, I’m 0/50. If I take it one step at a time, I’m 0/1. Less to go, not as disappointing or daunting of a task. You can read one book.
None of my goals are really time bound other than just “before I die” or generally “while I still can”. Just depends how fast I want them to happen. But also, I know that achieving goals doesn’t keep all the bad feelings away. If you’re on the path, you’re not playing the game. Analyzing and trying to contextualize every last detail is not playing the game. It’s trying very hard to convince myself it’s okay to play.
What goals do I think there’s a life-time limit around? Maybe physical ones just because the reality of aging. I think the body does a decent job at telling you what it needs. If I’m restless, get up and move. If I’m hungry, eat. Maybe don’t eat garbage, you’ll feel it later.
The creative goals really don’t have a time limit. My passion for playing music is something I hope stays with me forever, so I don’t need to accomplish something and then throw it away for good.
The moment you can’t take the step from “this is what I want to do, this is a reasonable approach for doing it” to “doing it”, you’re planning as a means of procrastinating. You’re obsessing over optimization, when in reality, the little details in the how can be honed in the moment.
If the administrative side/trying to plan it all out/have it make perfect sense in your head is taking precedent over just doing it, you’re approaching it wrong. It’s probably not as serious as you’re making it. It isn’t as precious as you think it is. Doesn’t mean it’s not important, more that the consequence of not giving it 1000% before you try is a risk you can take. Dive in. See what works. The fastest way to learn is by making mistakes.
What am I trying to optimize for fundamentally? Time. Time management. I want to justify my potential actions; take them to court for an approval process before I do anything. It has to fit within the framework of bumper sticker beliefs, some general internal knowing, or an attempt at a hyper-optimized routine before I take real action. What am I trying to justify? Time spend. I want to be intentional and as a result lead a meaningful life. I don’t like waste. I want to make the most of what little time we have, with the fear that one fell swoop can take it all away.
I think the oversight in that train of thought is maybe two things.
- just because mistakes are unintentional doesn’t make them not meaningful.
- Mistakes can be intentional too. Or at least allowing yourself to make them can be an intentional act.
And for the broader notion:
- Life will happen no matter how much you prepare. Live once, die once.
I think if you acted more immediately, you’d find there’s more being done and the narrative that you have no time gets softer.
I also think I need to be honest with my expectations. If I want to run an iron man (I don’t), I need to train for that and not just wake up one day and go “oh shit that’s never going to happen now”. But…how productive is the day dreaming for the “better” life if I just do X? How useful is thinking 15 steps ahead when you’re still on step 0?
And what’s the real goal here? Is it to climb a mental mountain and conquer myself? Be anything more than what I am right now? Honor and maximize my potential? I hate these hollow sentiments. No.
Really, I just want to live a good life: a life that benefits myself and others, a life that I have the freedom to do what I set my mind to. I want to minimize bad things where I can. I want control to not simply be a spectator of my own fate. I’m afraid if I don’t have it, bad things will happen.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”
It’s fine to want to do things. If you spend all your time wanting and no time doing, you’re going to be miserable. If you spend all your time being, you’re going to be restless. If you spend all your time thinking about what you don’t have, you’re living in Hell looking for Heaven.
There are bigger goals on my mind that make me anxious to even write down, because as soon as I do, it’s a yardstick for me to beat myself up with. (PS I already wrote these down last time, but in a slightly different mindset. This feels more honest).
Gaining some weight would be good. I think being able to call myself a musician would be great; making it a bigger part of my identity and pursuing that path more rigorously. Reading more as well. So don’t overcomplicate it.
If I’m ever longing to be more: Eat food, read a book, learn and play music.
Be hungry. Be a reader. Be a musician.
I’d also like to not solely focus on what I don’t have. I want to appreciate the moment more. One moment at a time. My life is very full.
Relatively speaking, I’ve hit the lottery and my internal struggle is in not wanting to waste that, or lose it, so if I’m not always “maximizing my potential” I can get anxious and depressed. I want to appreciate where I’m at and also do things I want to do. I can go too far in attempting to optimize my time in fear of waste, and end up being too rigid in following a routine or too flexible in not doing anything.
I’m tired of this narrative. I’m tired of spending so much time trying to brand my anxiety in an attempt to conquer it. It’s one thing to understand it, it’s another to obsess over it. I’m so scared of wasting time that in attempt to fully understand it, I’m not making the most of it. Time to move forward.
November 10, 2024
I have a semi-complex relationship with goals. On one hand, I’ve often used them to “hold myself to a standard as a means of beating myself up when I’m not there”. On the other hand, they move me forward in life and put me in objectively better situations. My struggle revolves around not wanting to be focusing so hard on becoming something more than I am that I forget all the good my life already is. In the past, I’ve used my self-esteem, or lack thereof, to fuel my pursuits, and hoped that achievement would bring some sort of solace or resolution to all my problems. It’s tough, since in my opinion, that isn’t completely wrong.
You have to do things in life. Period. If I’m not doing things, I feel bad. Too much non-activity often leads to overthinking, obsession, stress and worry. Again, though, if I am constantly enveloped by the achievement of a goal that I forget everything else in my life, it typically goes poorly, or I achieve it and feel worse after, since I no longer have anything to look forward to. Also, basing self-worth off of achievement is a tricky business. While there’s obviously value in achieving things, thinking all of someone’s value is derived from that feels like an over-exaggeration. It’s a balance.
I’m obsessed with looking forward. As a survivalist, I’ll always keep moving and adapting. Of course, this is a good way for life to pass you by, be full of anxiety and never be satisfied. It’s a balance…
So, I believe it’s a combination of both that ultimately satisfies both schools of thought; being intentional about what you want to be doing and recognizing what you already have. BALANCE.
Balance is also a fun one. “What’s the exact ratio of this and that to optimize my happiness or state of being to perfection?”. I always used to pose two things at odds, like only one or the other could be true. What is the BALANCE of achieving goals VERSUS accepting who I am? What is the BALANCE of loving myself VERSUS wanting to be something more?
My favorite question, which leads to one of the closest things I have to a “mantra” would be: what’s the BAlANCE of flexibility VERSUS discipline? It sort of summarizes the whole post here; how do I be myself and become something else while not hating myself? How do I set an intention to become something but be able to bend to the fact that life is not a science experiment with constants and I don’t exist in a vacuum? How do I allow myself to forgive myself when I don’t meet the standard without hating myself, but also, how do I hold myself accountable in times where I truly am “letting myself off easily”?
To me, anytime I pose these VERSUS questions now, I’ve learned to replace VERSUS with AND, since that ends up answering the question. What’s the balance between flexibility AND discipline? It’s not one or the other, it’s both. So ultimately, what’s the balance between flexibility and discipline? Now, I’d say honest awareness. Being able to, at any moment in time, be aware enough to step back and judge your actions, to understand what you need in that moment and to move forward in that direction.
For example, say yesterday, I declared I was going to the gym today, but it’s 10PM, just stopped working an hour ago, my brain is fried, I haven’t eaten, I need to get up at 6AM tomorrow, and need to do things around the house before I go to sleep. I’d want to be able to recognize this context and say “ok, there’s no bandwidth today, but tomorrow you can make up for it”, having the flexibility to still reach the goal, and some amount of patience as well.
Even just from reading this, the “discipline” part of my brain comes out in droves. Why aren’t you committed? You won’t get anywhere without the “grind-set”. Blah blah blah. There’s that camp that can be dismissed away to some degree, but if we’re being honest there’s also some validity to the criticism. Why were you working til 9PM? Could you have managed your time better? Why haven’t you eaten yet? Not all criticism is bad, it can give you an opportunity to refine your approach and succeed more often.
On the flip side, given context, maybe the scenario makes more sense. Perhaps there’s a big fire drill at work that causes late night working. Maybe something happened that justifies the time being managed how it was. Whatever it is, there could be reasons why exercising wasn’t the top priority for the day. There is validity to being flexible based on the dynamic nature of life and its unpredictability. Forcing yourself to meet a routine for the sake of routine without considering broader context could POTENTIALLY be as dangerous as not doing anything. Potentially…
That’s why being honest about it is so important. Being able to, in the moment, assess “am I letting myself off too easily here?”. Or thinking “today was a categorically shit day, I need the space to just go to sleep and start fresh tomorrow”. But also remembering “tomorrow I’m going to do my best to get back on track” and really meaning it. I think it’s about looking at your context and understanding what you need, fundamentally, to sustain your current state, but also move towards what you’re aiming at.
There’s also an element of patience embedded in the assessment. Depending on your goal, there could be a more strict deadline where there’s less available flexibility. Do I need to reach my goal right now, or do I have the flexibility to ration this effort over the next three months? Say you’re going to run a half-marathon in January, you start training in October. You’re going to run 3x a week. Maybe there’s a couple of weeks where you could only run 2x a week. Or maybe one week, you couldn’t run at all. If it’s early on and a 2x week happens, it’s probably beneficial to give some amount of flexibility and patience there, since there’s a bit of runway left before “game-time”. On the other hand, if you’re pretty deep into the training schedule and barely squeaking out 1x a week, maybe you can admit the goal was too lofty for your level of discipline and reassess your commitment to the idea of reaching this goal.
Being honest with yourself can be really difficult. It’s not just posing both sides of the argument, it’s having an understanding of where you’re at and what you need given the context. It’s really easy to get swept up in the emotions of not having what you need or want. It’s also easy to type something like this from a privileged place of having wanted/needed and having gotten. Yet, there’s always more to want.
So. What are my goals at the moment? I’m at a spot where I’m setting new ones. I’ve just achieved running my first half-marathon, which was great. My goal was just to complete, as I’d never ran 13 miles before, but ended up with a 9:42 average pace, which I’m also happy with! As soon as I finished, and before the race day, I start thinking about what’s next and how to set up for the next thing. I want to make sure that when I reach a goal that I appreciate it for what it is and not solely look forward to the next thing, but also not stake everything on the achievement of the goal. A balance, if you will. Caught myself again there, thinking that it can only be one or the other. I can do both; appreciate what I have done and look forward to the next thing.
No more beating around the bush. What’s the next thing? I’ll list a few general intentions at come to mind, then they can be redefined into something more actionable as needed. Really, these are just things I want:
- Record myself playing and singing songs on the guitar.
- Write songs.
- Write for No Backspaces.
- Continue to run at least 1x a week.
- Some combination of running and lifting weights.
- Read books.
- Be more patient.
- Manage time more effectively.
A real smattering of ideas here. For starters, there’s a combination of beliefs and practices. Some of them build on each other, which is useful. Routine optimization gets me nervous about falling back into old habits, but we’ll press forward with that knowledge.
I love 1-3. Creative output gets me excited and is something I like to focus on. Physical maintenance on 4-5 is less exciting, but is necessary to keep the ship running well. I find trying to optimize exercise gets tricky time-wise, so be conscious of setting a more firm end goal for those to ration the effort and manage expectations. Reading is good, kind of a throwaway one. This feels like it’s more about what could be nice as a state of being, being someone that’s well-read and does that a lot, but I think I’m more interested in creating than consuming right now. Of course it would be good, but I want to focus on what gets me excited and what’s needed; tertiary ideals need not apply right now.
Being more patient. Woof. There’s a lot that goes into that. Much harder to action a personality trait. However, bringing continual awareness to it and setting an intention would be the first step towards it. There’s always meditation…Need to noodle on that more.
Time management. Another woof. Kind of the over-arching theme here. Can ramble on meaning and intention. Very routine-coded. Also sleep plays a big part in this.
Meh. A conversation for another time. I am happy there are some intentions “on paper” now; I’ve been meaning to do that for a bit. Next step will be to package them all into some framework so I can sort out the “feelings management” department of my brain and go from there.
November 2, 2024
The current moment is seemingly never enough. We are temporal creatures.
I’m consistently trying to enhance the current moment. Arrive at a peak, then naturally I descend and get glum. I may regret it by convincing myself it wasn’t good to ever have, but eventually I long for it and hope it comes back.
Next, it’s easy to start daydreaming about some random fantasy that would never happen and imagine how life would be. Win the lotto, twiddle thumbs. A life with less consequence or pressure in every decision. Ease of access to happiness. Free happiness. Cost of happiness is time and effort (and some level or absence of awareness).
Then, begin laying down the groundwork for a future moment (obsession with routine) or a more permanent state of being. Plans are often meant to extinguish anxiety while being fueled by them. Planning the hunt, trying to capture it. Possess. Own. Permanence. Sometimes get anxious when some moments arrive due to the buildup that was starting back from the last iPhone notes rant. May rely on bumper sticker beliefs to keep you secure through ups and downs. Things you try to hold with you, as they sounded good in a moment, but without the prolonged self-reflection about how it really applies in your context of life, it rings a bit hollow, so you forget it in times where it would apply and only remember after the fact that the tool to address this exists, and I had it with me, but it wasn’t something really unlocked and available to me at the time. I hadn’t done the work to make it so.
In the mean time, find small momentary surges of pleasure in the little highs that turn into little addictions and unconscious impulses. Look at phone, eat sugar or heavily processed foods, TV, video games, etc.. these are like little life support stimulants until the next big thing, or until the next little high. Treading water just waiting for something better to happen. Chain these together for long enough and you’re practically a zombie. Strung out, get the next high to keep you floating. It feels like collectively, a lot of people spend a lot of time here.
Really, I’m trying to solution for what’s ultimately a non-problem (in moments that are objectively great themselves) by spending time trying to make future moments even better; not realizing you’re in the good times while they’re happening). Can get convinced that materialistic fulfillment is the end all nirvana state of being, a mountain you’d never come down from. It may buy security, but not true happiness.
Makes me think of moments that things come together seemingly by themselves, or if not by themselves, at least in a more “natural” way. Getting high on life. Harmony. Think about a choir at a church. The physics of the voices and the frequency aligning to make a nice sound. The mental atmosphere of grandiose states of being beyond your comprehension. The physical space constructed to enhance sound. Community with those you love, that you share common belief with. Maybe you’re participating in giving your voice, being the part of a sum, so you recognize you have a part but it’d go on without you. The sound of harmony giving validation of the perfection. It’s a powerful thing. That’s probably why I like music so much. You could expand this to any consumption of content. Movies -> TV -> Tik Tok all have some essence of community, physical harmony, represented beliefs etc. The distillation of that high has been made more accessible over time, but less potent or healthy maybe. Just too accessible, makes it less special, less desirable in some ways. But whether it’s from a phone or a rock and a stick, you can always get absorbed by the pursuit of more.
What’s the expiration date on a moment while you’re in it? How long is it allowed to last? How long will you allow it to last? Do you cut it short so the fall isn’t as far? Do you ration good moments in fear of a drought later on?
A good moment is like lightning in a bottle. You can try to possess it, but to its fullest extent it’s fleeting. Another reason movies music etc are so special; they’re often tagged to memories of good moments. You may not get the same hit every time, but holistically, they really do a remarkable job at preserving moments.
The idea of a moment being impermanent makes you appreciate it more. If you follow that too far, you get the horny celibate; obsessed with not being anything, self righteous, holier than thou, constructing the world of better-ness, not even existing in the same reality at that point.
Being content would seem to be the idea here. Being content with what is. Accepting the moment, so it doesn’t matter if you’re actually in whatever high you’re looking for or in the low. True happiness is being content. “This is fine” and honestly meaning it. Something crossing the threshold of acceptance. It’s obviously relative to your context.
By default, if you accept where you are, truly embrace the fact that the current moment is the extent of your existence, it is what it is, for better or worse, then things are okay.
Accepting is a close relative of surrendering. That seems to be the back door into “heaven”. Ceding a level of control to the complexity of life and going with the flow. If you try to barge into “heaven” through materialism, wealth and social standing, you may peer into heaven but you won’t get there. Getting your mind right is more important than your things right. You often need some level of things to do that though, to be above water for long enough to have the space for some level of spiritual honesty and development. People that don’t have anything and still feel content seem like superheroes. I don’t think many of my beliefs are strong enough to endure destitution. I do think, though, that my desire to survive is very strong.
Surrender is very vulnerable. That’s why the abuse of power by organized religion is so abhorrent. If you go through the pipeline of life, down on luck, arrive at a place promising salvation, acquire some bumper sticker beliefs for dealing with shit-life syndrome, the ability for individuals in power to manipulate and tamper with someone’s distinctly malleable emotions is too easy. It’s been done for generations. Not all of organized religion is evil by any means, it’s just the potential for the abuse of power that’s scary.
Or course it’s easy to say “surrender”when you’re not drowning. Good luck trying to accept where you’re at while you and your family are in serious pain or dying…or while you see others swimming with no issue, or actively fighting to put their feet on your head and push you further under. In those cases, you have to either swim harder than ever before or get a little push from the current or a cheery swimmer or lifeguard above you. That’s why it’s important to not push others down and to lift people up, through small ways or big ways, when you can. Easy to get self righteous and the savior complex, and end up doing it for yourself. Reach out and lend a helping hand. In some way, keep it simple. Charity for charities sake, do what you can but also self preservation. You’re still trying to swim too.
How happy are you allowed to be while others are suffering? What are you taking responsibility for? What can you control?
Your immediate survival takes priority, but also It’s about having an honest understanding of where you’re at at a given time and how you can contribute knowing that. Boundaries. Honesty.
To complete the cycle, Spending a couple hours typing in your phone notes app to outline a framework of belief to justify your own existence and to feel comfortable with where you are. Would true vulnerability be having no belief and just floating along? This feels more like ignorance. Or having belief and being willing to face the consequences of being one way and maybe one day having to change and adapt to something new? Feels better. That awareness would give you some context maybe, but there’s always a level of ignorance with being alive. We can’t know everything.
What’s the balance between flexibility and discipline? Honest awareness. I’m exactly where I need to be.
Time for a donut.
October 29, 2024
If I chase I’ll never reach you
No bounds could ever keep you
Far away but never near
I Pray for truth that I can’t hear
Stuck in time a world so dense
Avoid all the consequences
Run and hide cause I don’t buy it
Push my dreams into the quiet
Feel the warmth, Desire burns
Leaving no stone unturned
Staring blankly, try to seek
Pen to paper, try to speak
I’ll lie in wait, my tale untold
With all the hope my future holds
The weight and burden of my own
Ever-beating metronome
October 21, 2024
While this practice hasn’t been going for long, I think I’m seeing some positive results from it. For starters, I’m simply creating more. In terms of my imagination, on this website, there is proof of life; always a treat. Like any time before where I’ve put a concerted effort towards producing something, it makes me feel good to create and gets me thinking differently. For instance, I started writing down prompts to write about, like short stories or mildly interesting plots…feels like a leap from where we’re at now, but I’m happy that I still have ideas at all. Some days, that doesn’t feel like a part of my psyche anymore, but in reality, I just sat on the remote and the volume turned down.
Something I want to believe is that my creative practice should be more about the body of work than the masterpieces. I want to focus on these “awesome works” immediately, but really, they’re probably more a byproduct of raw work and honing of focus rather than trying to operationalize excellence from A-Z. Instead, it’s more about practicing A-A (the act of practicing at all), and when that becomes second nature, it becomes more about the creative decisions themselves rather than my own bullshit getting in the way; putting myself in a creative position often enough so when “inspiration” strikes, I’m warmed up and in a place where I can realize that thought or idea.
Also side note, how do I use a semicolon(;)? I’m using them to connect two similar thoughts, sort of a band-aid for a run-on sentence. Assuming that’s wrong, ChatGPT to the rescue, am I right?
Speaking of killer comedy, I’ve also written down basic premises for jokes. My podcast diet is heavily weighted towards making me laugh, and I’ve been watching stand-up specials for years…why not try to write some funny stuff? Any time I’ve made others laugh in my life is a good moment. Knowing that, the idea of being able to perform in a medium like that feels other-worldly. Hell, the idea of being able to do anything “artsy” like that, whether it’s a book, open mic night for jokes, etc. etc. feels pretty far removed from my reality.
Why is that? For one, there’s a huge delta between the amount of vulnerability I could feel and the amount I’m typically prepared to feel on a daily basis. It opens me up to the vulnerable emotions I try to avoid: confrontation, criticism, pain, pity, the list goes on.
Putting on my problem-solvers hat, let’s identify the areas of opportunity here: starting and continuing. Starting is scary because it can feel like as soon as you define your hopes, dreams and aspirations, reality swoops in to tell you “why not”. All “is’s” beget “isn’t’s”. The idea of who you are is more comfortable than what you actually could try, because as soon as there’s definition, there’s opposition. Continuing is scary because I don’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter, or to not be spending time on things that could matter more, but I’m unsure if they do or not.
I guess it depends on what and when you need the payoff to be. If you only pay yourself when you’re a fully actualized and complete being, you’re going to be poor forever. If you’re only as rich as your latest win, you’re going to be poor forever. If you pay yourself when you make strides towards ideals you set, that’s a livable wage; that’s closer to being present at the very least.
It’s also about bravery. Sometimes, you have to be courageous to leap to the next thing. If anything, I want to get better at falling. Granted, sometimes what I write is what I want to believe, rather than what I am. If this year has taught me anything, it’s that sometimes bravery isn’t an option: it’s a responsibility. You can use that.
So…be brave. Work at it. Keep making things. Slowly push your limits. Really, the stakes are pretty low - not saying to diminish it, but to just make the load a bit lighter.
October 19, 2024
One of my many superpowers is my ability to fall asleep within 2 minutes of my head hitting the pillow. Whether it’s an otherworldly gift or overwhelming sleep debt, I don’t struggle with wide-eyed, dark ceiling stares or thoughts keeping me up at night.
It wasn’t always like this. As a kid, I had a real fear of falling asleep. Nightmares were a common occurrence, and night-lights were the last bastion of hope in the dark. It was almost every night that I’d be transported to some other worldly state and subsequently chased by evil doers. I remember running scared from the pursuers, ranging from creatures to obscure shapes. There was never an attempt to fight back, not until I was older. I’d wake up in a panic, detest the thought of going back, and knock on my parents door, hoping to sleep where it was safe.
Dreams are weird. From my limited understanding, they have something to do with:
- Flushing the unconscious or conscious happenings of the prior day from your brain
- Subliminal processing of emotions
- Connection of neural pathways
Try telling that to the kid afraid to fall asleep. At that point, the utility doesn’t matter. The interactive movie playing in their head runs on a nightly basis, and seems to only serve up the fear they hope to avoid during the day.
Putting my expert psychoanalysis hat on, there were a few recurring themes that can be linked to broader developmental ideas. For one, control. In a dream world where I was constantly running from evil, I didn’t suppose I had any agency to change my situation. Naturally, you don’t have a lot of agency as a child, hence the dreams.
Over time, the pursuers became a tad more abstract. I distinctly remember multiple times where rapturing “end-of-the-world" moments would be played out. It always started normally, in a plain domestic setting getting lunch or playing a game in the living room. Then, some larger than life event would occur: the sky would open up and start violently pulling people towards it, or the horizon would tilt 90 degrees and we all knew this was the end. Oddly enough, it wouldn’t always end there. There would be a period of darkness, a presence still aware of the “end”, then some other setting would take its place, like I’d been teleported to another world. Here, it’s easy for me to connect the dots to waking moments of the time, wherein I was fairly concerned with mortality given the state of affairs with my family.
Later on, I’d tried lucid dreaming. That ended up being too much control! It was exhausting writing the movie every night; it was more interesting to go to the theater and be surprised to see what’s showing.
Eventually, as I grew up, I’d continue to be chased in dreams, but then I’d start fighting back. And this time, punches started to land. It started to get uncomfortable. I remember a particular dream where Gollum, the Lord of the Rings character who dominated my psyche and fears as a kid, was up to his old tricks of being generally creepy. In defense of my younger self and all the sleepless nights of my youth, I walked up to him and beat the shit out of him. It didn’t feel great. After a while, I’d seen what I was doing, and felt more pity than I did justice. Of course in the books, Gollum is sort of a pitiful character, but one overcome by obsession and grief. Despite the years of terror, the beating stopped and I moved on. At the risk of assigning meaning where there is none, it could be surmised that this is some sort of acceptance of childhood vulnerability.
It’s commonplace in an American culture to say dreams are boring and no one wants to hear about yours. In some ways, I agree. If dreams are truly just a random byproduct of our biology, spending a lot of time extrapolating out meaning is a futile exercise. It is what it is. Wake up. Maybe the cultural criticism is more about an overall lack of self-awareness in social settings, where if all you can talk about is this random thought you had while sleeping last night, maybe you’d better serve the conversation as a mute. Maybe it’s the general Nihilism in the country, where nothing matters, much less a dream you had, and if you’re looking for meaning, you’d be better served elsewhere (maybe nowhere). Again, not entirely invalid, as life itself has a wealth of places to look for substance, and deriving bits of self-reflection isn’t necessarily limited to mediums we can’t necessarily control. Maybe the criticism is more of a commentary on agency and utility; themes which I’d identify with quite a bit.
On the other hand, aren’t dreams just kind of neat? There’s narrative, production, blends of structure and no structure, and often times, it’s deeply personal. That won’t make them interesting to anybody else, but they don’t need to be. Sure it’s trite, but I don’t claim to be an authority on the subject, or much of anything really………
What I find more interesting is the strong avoidance I feel in writing anything about this topic. The subject matter does feel a bit silly and sort of futile, so I sprinkle in some disclaimers to cover my bases, always playing devil’s advocate. After all, if there’s no real definition, there’s less to attack. In reality, a part of me just wants to feel safe in my shell and shore up my defenses, longing for an immunity to any semblance of criticism.
How much of my conscious or unconscious effort revolves around avoiding pain? Who am I even defending myself from: others or myself?
These posts are a good exercise in vulnerability and confidence. Practice, practice, practice!
October 17, 2024
What a start to the day here! It has all the elements of a solid morning:
- Waking up naturally, no alarm, well before 7AM. Also, riding the tailwind of 8 hours of sleep.
- Dishes are done, kitchen is clean and it’s still not even 7.
- It’s the first notably chilly morning of the season. Maybe we’ll finally be rid of the heat this year.
- Weekly cup of coffee. 10 oz. Feeling dangerous.
- It’s a Thursday. The weekend is in sight and approaching fast.
- Work from home rest of the week.
There’s space to breathe.
I’d like some of this writing to focus on the plenty. The good should be recognized. Granted, I’m so accustomed to writing to problem solve, trying to get somewhere else. This must have started early, writing papers in school to get the grade, trying to persuade the teacher or the audience throughout the essay. This medium isn’t about that. Who am I convincing here?
I feel the more I can focus on capturing a moment in time, the less I need to worry. Focusing on what I have, rather than what I don’t. This morning I have plenty, and what a morning it is!
Of course, you can spin it in either direction:
Your primary fears are loss and being alone.
This is all desperation. Scrambling to collect good moments, in preparation for the inevitable bad ones. Scavenge while you can, winter is coming.
Nothing is permanent. You can make yourself comfortable, but brace yourself.
It’s all perspective, and the negative isn’t necessarily wrong. The survivalist in me, we’ll call him, is a smooth criminal. A seasoned veteran in avoidance, the advent of anxiety, and the terror of “too much of a good time”. To his credit, he’s incredibly useful. For one, his ability to adapt is second-to-none. Throughout life, he’s built up an admirable tolerance to sorrow, and managed to avoid complete destruction. The survivalist is adept at picking up what’s useful and abandoning everything else; the ultimate scavenger. Lightweight and noncommittal, he can move forward and get the job done.
Like any good survivalist, he has the tools for the job and nothing more. What he gains in focus and utility, he lacks in depth. Sure, this nimble navigator can sleep in the rain, but the obsession to stay dry comes at a cost. Despite his adaptable mindset, he’d much rather have a place to call home; a place of stability and known quantities. A place to rest. In lieu of that, a hardened resolve leads to the continuous search for more. He is fueled by fear and anxiety to boot. He is angry, he is sad. Hopeful, but he won’t show it. Incredibly vulnerable, but he will run from it. Always running.
In his shadow lies a man of plenty. Once a sleeping giant, he begins to counter the survivalist’s every move and thought with deadly precision. This scares the survivalist.
There’s power in the plentiful. Excess. An ease, a relaxation. Clear eyes, full heart, and a seeming inability to lose. A confidence exudes from the man of plenty. A sense of palpable permanence. Worry shrinks in the presence of more and the possession of want. The man of plenty opposes the lack and offers the bounty. The strength of having had and not needing more makes a powerful foe.
It’s funny…I find myself rooting for the survivalist.
October 15, 2024
Sometimes, the thoughts aren’t very big. They’re simpler. Little flickers. They’re like trying to wave to someone across a crowded room, but not quite catching their eye. Just a drop of wanting. The pursuit of more.
It feels good to be seen. To get recognition from people you respect. It’s a very useful feeling, one that builds on itself rather well. And boy, does it get cold out on the streets when you aren’t getting it; that craving for affirmation that you’re on the right path, but to then be told that actually, the harvest didn’t quite meet expectations. Moving with the polarity, you run from the fear and towards the safety.
In true pragmatic fashion, if I can find a way to take a fear and turn it into fuel, I take that bet every time. There are few things more palpable than the taste of failure and unmet expectations. Building off of that, you can take any experience and turn it into a gain. Make it all upside by default.
What we’re talking about here is developing a positive relationship to PRACTICE: the art of iterative learning and application. The focusing and honing of a craft. I appreciate the idea of doctor’s “practicing” medicine, with it being both the application of current skills and the pursuit of something more. I find the dedication to an idea that big very inspirational.
Practice practice practice. Write the words, see what happens, where it leads.
I find myself trying to tie each sentence back to a larger narrative, to a bigger picture. I’m used to trying to make sense of it, to focus and present thoughts in some larger-than-life way. I suppose that’s my pursuit with writing: be an effective communicator and know what I want to say, rather than just arriving there by happenstance.
Without that focus, it all rings a little hollow, like I feel I need that to justify the effort of writing anything at all. My writing style here is just a random chain of related ideas. BUT, the depth is not the point.
The point of these posts are to practice writing and practice presence and idea development. I don’t need a polished output: what I need are reps to strengthen the brain-body connection between the creative spark in my head and action taken. Just gotta show up and work.
October 14, 2024
For me, writing is basic proof that I am capable of producing something. It is my inner voice visualized, the most direct representation of my thought process. It is also proof that I can hit the pause button on consuming media for more than five minutes. In these brief periods of time, it feels like I’ve been dunking for apples and I’ve finally pulled my head out of the water, into the quiet.
The “quiet” moments of my life are actually pretty loud. If I can manage to be still for long enough, I start asking BIG questions. I have a hankering for truth, or at the very least, a solution to whatever I seem to be wrestling with at the time. Most of these BIG questions are my anxious tendencies to grab the mic and try to escape the maze of my own fears and existentialism. Historically, that’s what most of journaling has been for me: a problem-solving exercise.
So, what is this? Why no backspaces? Ultimately, it’s more of an idea than what the name prescribes. I do plan on editing as I go, but the point of all of this is to create consistently and do so with as little of my own self-imposed obstacles as possible. When it comes to my own creative output, I want to be more curious than critical, and this is my way of honoring that notion.
What’s posted here may not make sense, be coherent, or be digestible by anyone other than myself or an AI. However, it will suffice.